My President’s Letter in the April Heartlander reported I was arrested at O’Hare Airport for possession of illegal drugs, asked to step aside as president of The Heartland Institute, and more. It never happened. As revealed on page 11 of that newsletter and also on our Web site, it was an April Fool’s Day joke designed to call attention to the threat to our civil liberties posed by the War on Drugs. And boy did it work!
Before sharing with you some of the reactions I received, I need to apologize to the (thankfully) small number of you who thought the joke was in poor taste or poorly executed, or who were fooled into doing embarrassing things. The disclosure that it was a joke should have been closer to the essay and printed more clearly.
I also want to thank everyone who said they were prepared to jump to my assistance (or to Diane’s; she seems more popular than I am) in a time of real need. It’s really heartening to know we have friends out there.
My original plan was to present a few of the responses we received by email or mail, since what makes April Fool’s Day fun is laughing at the suffering of those who get taken in by the pranks. But there were so many responses, and many of them so thoughtful, that I cannot cram them inside my usual word limit.
So with Diane’s permission, I’ve allowed content to dictate length just this one time and include here, with permission of the writers, most of the reactions we received. I submit to you, then, the fools’ own words, edited a bit for length and a family audience.
Thoroughly Fooled
William Sayre, a Heartland donor, wrote: “I had already grabbed my pitch fork and my torch, and was commencing to storm the barricades on your behalf. Then I read page 11. You got me good!”
Bernadette Fitzsimmons wrote, “I got to my mail late at night and I was compelled to read your front page letter. You scared me out of a year’s growth. . . . I almost had an anxiety attack until I referred to the page to help defend you and realized the joke. You really pulled it off!”
Dave Skinner of Whitefish, Montana, wrote: “You rotten SOB. Had me going there . . . big ol’ treble snag hook right in my keister. I’ll bet our conservative allies will have kittens. But that’s a pretty good way to underline the RICO attack on civil liberties. Is it a war on drugs or a war on freedom? And I don’t like drugs, or drug users, especially around the workplace. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’ll give this one a 12 for shock value and a 13 for sheer, stinking chutzpah. April fooled ME.”
Sharon Harris, executive director of Advocates for Self-Government, writes: “I read your column and got VERY UPSET! I had no idea until going to your Web site that this was a joke. Everything you describe is TOTALLY plausible–it happens every day! I was starting to make phone calls to gather support for you when I discovered the truth. Don’t do that! Some of us might have hearts that can’t take that kind of upset! Seriously!”
Joe York, an executive with a major Chicago teaching hospital, writes: “It was too early in the morning to read of your arrest; a change of shirt later (due to coffee spilled all over the first) and further reading of the newsletter revealed the ruse. But you certainly made your point. Count me as one whose support of Heartland will not change based on a rational inquiry into the drug problem. Prohibition has been a dismal failure as it was with liquor and will be with firearms.”
Joe Wiegand, executive director of Family Taxpayers Network [FTN], writes, “Bast is a X!@# and a damn good fiction writer. You think I would have remembered past April Fool’s shenanigans. No. I was roped in hook, line, and sinker. My heart fell. Poor Diane, all the things her mother had warned about Joe were coming true.” Hey!
Pat Tigges, the head of EAT First! an environmental education organization, writes: “You got me last year with the ‘merger’ but as soon as you mentioned Hillary I realized it was a scam. But this time, you really accomplished your goal. You made my life absolutely miserable for 30 minutes. I didn’t turn to page 11, pass Go, or collect $200. I threw the magazine down in front of Dick and stormed off to my office to sulk in silence. He later came in smirking and asked if I had bothered to read further.
“Perhaps I got stung so bad because this one was so completely believable,” Pat continued. “Happens all the time out here. Perhaps not in the drug arena but certainly in the other areas I’m involved with. Land and livelihoods are confiscated every day without due process or grievance, much less a phone call to your wife. Too real to be funny!”
Heartland donor Walter Simons writes, “Good one, Joe! You really had me going there. As I was reading your letter and fuming to myself about the injustice of it all, I was also reaching for my checkbook to see how much I could spare for your legal defense. The scenario you laid out was not only possible, it was downright probable. This should scare everyone. I hope this is a wake-up call for more people than just myself.” Walter went ahead and sent us a check. He is, I’m sure you will agree, the perfect role model.
Maureen Martin, an attorney who writes for Environment & Climate News, writes: “I read a few paragraphs of the Heartlander, looked at the date, thought ha-ha, it’s an April Fool’s joke. It’s very good, but almost not funny, I thought. I skipped to the second page, thinking that I would see confirmation at the end that it was a joke. Instead, the paragraph that caught my eye was: ‘The Board of Directors of The Heartland Institute has asked me to take a leave of absence. . . .’ Omigod, it’s true. I went back to the beginning, read through to the end and turned to page 11! Okay, okay, you got me, but not as good as you got a friend of mine who called an hour later, all in a panic–’Did you hear what happened to Joe?’“
Doug Kinney, a former member of the Heartland team now making big bucks doing computer work for a hospital network in Wisconsin, wrote: “Yep. I took it–hook, line, and sinker. I arrived home yesterday and Lisa dropped the latest Heartlander on my lap and said ‘We need to contact them!’ and walked out of the room. This was odd–so I immediately read the President’s letter. As I read, I was thinking ‘Oh my God, I’ve got to contact them–but what will I say? Will they be too distraught to discuss it?’ Then I went to page 11 or 18 or whatever the hell it was and G r r r r r r r r! Lisa said she was almost in tears thinking about poor Diane!” Diane? What about me??
Another former Heartlander, Matthew Nutting, wrote: “Both my mother and I were fooled. Not only was it funny, convincing, and sly, it was poignant. A good effort all the way around. I was ready to write a letter and so was mother. Both of us were shocked until we read the addition on page 11. The difference was, I read page 11; my mother called me up immediately and I had to walk her through it. She had a great laugh over it, but also realized the merit in it.”
Robert Buchta, a long-time Heartland donor, writes: “Half way through reading of your plight, I already had my wife baking you a big apple pie with a file hidden in it. Good thing that April 1st comes only once a year, or your annual productivity would be significantly diminished. I’m glad to know that you continue to inhale the sweet smell of freedom and that you’re not ‘bopping to the jailhouse rock.’“
Tim Slagle, the Chicago-based professional comedian who has entertained Heartland audiences at two annual benefits, writes: “Shame on you for your little joke. When I read your “Last Letter” I got so damn mad, I threw the thing against the wall and started pacing around the house. I had pretty much reserved a Ryder truck, ordered a couple bags of fertilizer, and was headed for diesel pumps at the truck stop; before I sat back down to write a letter testifying to your character. (Kind of ironic, considering.) Imagine my surprise when I turned to page 11, and realized I had been schnookered. Good thing I had already scratched Plan One.”
How Conservatives Reacted
Fran Eaton, director of Illinois Eagle Forum, nailed me with an April Fool’s joke of her own, circulating a letter by email saying her organization would have to drop out of the Chicago Conservative Conference due to my criminal conduct. Lee Newcom, executive director of the conservative United Republican Fund, received Fran’s letter and described his reaction: “I felt the blood drain from my face, visions of scandal filled my head, division between us, our conference crashing to ruin just as we are breaking through in so many areas. Until I scrolled down. You got me, Fran!!!”
Karen Hayes, Illinois State Director of Concerned Women for America, wrote a mock letter testifying to my good character. “To Whom It May Concern: Although I must admit Joe Bast is quite a ‘character,’ I personally believe he is also a fine, law-abiding citizen. He has led The Heartland Institute with integrity and honor these past years and is in no way a criminal. His beard is deceiving–underneath he is actually a clean-cut libertarian who still, I have heard, comes to a complete stop at all red traffic lights.” Well, not always. . . .
Jack McInerney, a humorless conservative political activist in Chicago, wrote: “Somebody please tell Joe Bast his April Fool’s joke wasn’t that funny. It depressed the hell out of me.”
Economists: Easily Fooled?
John Hosemann, recently retired chief economist for the American Farm Bureau Federation and a former member of Heartland’s Board of Directors, writes: “You sneaky devil . . . you surely sucker punched me. I read your letter, got so steamed that I insisted that Cheryl listen as I read it to her. She got so damn mad thinking about all the trips I made in/out O’Hare. I had pen in hand to write on your behalf, but thought who in the hell can a defendant petition in a system as corrupt as ours is with regard to the ‘war’ on drugs? And Bill Bennett still defends this nonsense. In any event you set us to thinking seriously once again with your damn well-written prose.”
Dr. Steven Horwitz, a Heartland advisor and economist at St. Lawrence University, says “Okay, you got me really really good with that one! I actually hit the website to find your email address so I could write you with support before I looked at page 11. Thankfully I looked. 🙂 A great idea–and the all-too-real quality of Joe’s letter makes the point perfectly.”
Dr. John Semmens, another Heartland advisor and economist, writes: “Your April Fool’s letter was too realistic to be much fun. The ease with which a person can be destroyed by the police and FBI argues for restricting police power to the bare minimum necessary to protect public order. The most obvious first step has to be an end to the drug war.
“Putting aside the issue of whether using drugs ought to be a person’s right,” John continued, “it is too easy for authorities to plant evidence–the most likely explanation in a situation like the one you described in your April Fool’s letter. Why would they do such a thing? To nail someone they ‘know’ is guilty, but haven’t been able to prove. A mistaken identity screw-up very easily leads to the evidence being planted on Joe Bast. Once the mistake is made, though, it can’t be admitted. So, Joe goes down as ‘collateral damage’ in the drug war–an unfortunate innocent victim, an unavoidable price to be paid in the ongoing fight.”
Libertarians Take Note
Paul Craig Roberts, an economist and columnist whose latest book, The Tyranny of Good Intentions, makes a devastating case against asset forfeiture and political abuses of justice, wrote: “Your ‘last letter’ was such an accurate portrayal of what happens many times every day that I thought we had lost you for sure. I think you should definitely take up the war against the war on drugs. One way to protect yourself from uninformed conservatives is to broaden the attack and focus on the general breakdown in legal protection.”
Jane Shaw, a senior associate at PERC in Bozeman, Montana, said “Joe: If you do lose your job, head for Hollywood! I was fooled–even though I noted the date of publication; I still found it believable. I was shocked. Wow.”
James Gattuso at the Competitive Enterprise Institute, in Washington, DC wrote to say his boss, Fred Smith, had complained to Attorney General John Ashcroft, who promised to “look at your case, and promised that someone from the Attorney General’s office will call you about this as soon as possible.” Ha! You can’t fool a fooler, Jim!
Fred Grau, a new friend and Heartland donor from the Alliance for America, wrote: “Wow! You sure got me on the drug article. I have come full circle from being strongly pro drug enforcement to realizing that the civil liberties lost to government from their programs are destroying America (along with other government actions). It is a primary reason for the racial/political alienation of the Blacks. Personally, I now feel all drug laws should be repealed. From a Jeffersonian stance, if anyone wants to poison themselves, that is their business and their responsibility. That was one of the most effective pieces I’ve ever read, and I read a lot. Good work.”
Randal O’Toole, head of The Thoreau Institute in Oregon, writes: “Congratulations on an extremely effective letter in your Heartlander newsletter! I realized it was an April Fool’s trick from the start (else I would have heard about it over the ‘net), but you had my partner Vickie ready to fly to Chicago to bail you out.
“Absolutely you should be more vocal in your opposition to the war on drugs,” O’Toole said. “This is a winnable issue and the more libertarians get behind it the more we can teach people about libertarianism. All the signs are there. ‘Traffic.’ Both liberals and conservatives speaking out against the war. If libertarians don’t get out in front on this, they will be left behind!
“For what it’s worth, I’ve never used drugs (even alcohol, nicotine, or coffee) but I have friends and relatives who are victims of the war on drugs. I am particularly outraged by asset forfeiture laws and have thought about taking some time off from saving forests and cities to working on that issue. Like you, it’s a fundraising problem: People will hire me to analyze forest plans or urban plans, but who would hire me to analyze the war on drugs?”
Christian Rix, who writes reviews for the PolicyBot service on our Web site, immediately wondered if the police would come after him next. He writes, “The first thing to cross my mind as I read about the search was speculation as to whether I could expect a knock on my door–figuring the goal would be to fake up an interstate ‘conspiracy.’ I thought maybe I should pull my backup hard drive and give it to someone I could trust who is not closely or obviously associated with me so I wouldn’t lose years of data.
“The very fact that these thoughts occur to a citizen whose criminal life consists of speeding (10% or 5MPH is my usual limit) and removing the ubiquitous tags inscribed ‘do not remove these tags’ tells you the drug war has already turned the country into a police state.”
Don’t Do It
Several people support the War on Drugs and warned against Heartland staking out a position in the controversy. Gary Gillespie, M.D., a Heartland member in Michigan, thought my letter was “a rather sophomorish attempt to sensationalize the issue. Although the War on Drugs will never be won, it will also not help to lie down and play dead, giving in to the enemy. The fact that it is estimated that 10 percent of our population has a drinking problem is not obviated by the fact that alcohol is purchased legally.”
Joe Wiegand, previously quoted, wrote, “Jack [Roeser, chairman of FTN] and I think ‘no’ on engaging the issue. Jack thinks no because of his opposition to drugs. I think no because your opponents will use it against you, wrongfully casting doubt on your many other works, including fundraising efforts.”
William Sayre, also previously quoted, warns that opposing the War on Drugs “would antagonize or dishearten some of our best allies, including those like me, and allow some of our best opponents to dismiss us. While I agree that far too many civil liberties have been sacrificed, taken in the name of the War on Drugs, I also believe it would be wrong to legalize drugs. The subject would become a black hole for our energy and enthusiasm, with Conservatives and Libertarians forming a firing squad in a circle. Let’s keep our attention focused on the many good causes for which Heartland is known.”
Sore Losers
Not everyone appreciated being made a fool. Doug Kinney, whose comments appear above, ended his message with this: “Remember–payback is a bitch! WE WILL BE AVENGED.”
John McAdams, an economist at Marquette University, says “Bast had me fooled, absolutely and completely,” but “that article was a really, really bad idea. The problem is that Bast, policy wonk that he is, doesn’t know how to write satire. Good satire has to convey, generally with a bit of subtlety, that what’s being written is untrue. The account he gave really could have happened. Satire has to have a bit of abnormal absurdity about it.” April Fool’s jokes are satire? I always figured they were more like slapstick.
Daniel Polsby, associate dean for academic affairs and a professor in the School of Law at George Mason University, wrote simply, “I’m going to kick your ass.” Actually, I didn’t get Dan’s permission to reprint this bit of cunning satire. So sue me.
Stuck in the Middle
Some people appreciated the point I was making, but aren’t ready to embrace drug decriminalization. D.A. from Pennsylvania writes: “I have two minds on this subject: one recognizes the fallacies of prohibition as was practiced with alcohol, the other involves drawing a line. If we move the line of acceptable behavior, it is like dumbing down America and ‘defining deviancy down.’ At the same time, I fear all the things you write about, ‘salting’ the luggage, getting tangled in the legal morass, the seizing of autos, the trashing of our castles and work spaces in the name of some higher authority. I fear that the power that the government has assumed, may be worse than, the ‘crime’ they seek to stop.”
Interestingly, D.A. asked me not to use his name in this essay. “I would prefer that you do not use my name. I have to take a plane ride soon. I do not want anyone ‘salting’ my luggage, like they did to you.”
Others support drug decriminalization but don’t recommend Heartland take on the issue. Kenneth Haapala wrote: “I believe the ‘War on Drugs’ has gone way too far. The War is a major threat to individual freedom. However, the controversy is so intense, that it is a no-win issue for any broad-based group. Advocating the legalization of drugs will virtually eliminate focus on the other fine issues you advocate. It would be better to use a separate organization for this issue or, at most, advocate a lessening of the insane criminal penalties for possession of minor amounts and the elimination of the obscene seizure of private property for possession of minor amounts. I do not use drugs.”
Similarly, Chicago libertarian and law school student Joe Siprut wrote, “‘This May Be My Last Letter’ was the cruelest April Fool’s Day joke I could ever have conceived of. It was a masterpiece, though–very cleverly done. Also, the issue underpinning the prank is an important one. One caveat, which I’m sure you’re already aware of: Even though your in-house responses may give a good indication as to whether current benefactors will vote with their pocketbooks for increased Heartland aggression in speaking out against the war on drugs, this says nothing about whether, as you put it in your letter, this will harm the ‘conservative-libertarian alliance’ Heartland is trying to build.”
Rob Davis, a long-time donor, asks if there is a different group addressing this issue adequately, whether Heartland can handle another big issue, whether we have an exit strategy, and whether we could set up an independent organization to address this issue. “Despite my fence-sitting I guess I would ‘go for it.’ The issue is too important to ignore.”
Voice of the People
Page 11 of last month’s Heartlander asked readers to vote on whether or not “Heartland should be more outspoken in calling for alternative approaches to drug abuse.” The same question is posed on our Web site.
As of April 25, 1,512 votes had been received, with 84 percent in favor of Heartland speaking out more on this issue and 16 percent opposed. Such a lopsided result matters around here, though Heartland’s Board of Directors will ultimately decide how many resources we will devote to this topic.
Our hands are full now with education, environment, and health care issues, so it is unrealistic to suppose we can take on a major new topic area without additional resources. Still, we can use our current communications vehicles–Intellectual Ammunition, PolicyBot and our Web site, for example–to address the issue with little incremental expense.
Thank you to everyone who responded to the survey and took the time to write. I’ll end this exceptionally long President’s Letter with an especially thoughtful note I received by email from Conrad Meier, managing editor of Health Care News. He wrote: “Sorry to hear about your misfortune and upcoming residency at tax-payer expense. Can I have your books?”
Now there’s a man after my own heart.
