In a move that sent shock-waves through the think tank world and drew a sharp rebuke from First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Chicago-based Heartland Institute announced it has acquired the Washington D.C.-based Heritage Foundation.
The combination brings together the nation’s most influential think tank for elected state officials and its most influential think tank for members of Congress. The new organization, The Heartland and Heritage Alliance (HAHA), will be headquartered in Chicago.
“We’ll be serving free-market research and commentary to all 8,000 state and national elected officials for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, seven days a week,” said Ed Feulner, former president of Heritage and now chairman of the new think tank.
Joseph Bast, former president of Heartland and now president of the new organization, agreed: “We don’t want an elected official anywhere in the country to draw a breath without hearing the words “free-market” and “less government” echoing in his head.”
First Lady Is Aghast
First Lady and New York Senate candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton was aghast at the news. “Moderate socialists like me stand little chance against this new monolith,” she told reporters at a hastily arranged press conference. “It is unfair that one organization should have a monopoly on all the good ideas in public policy today.” Asked if she would drop out of her Senatorial race, she said “in light of the new situation, all options are on the table.”
Sources within the Administration say President Bill Clinton was alerted to the pending merger just before his State of the Union address. He reacted by adding this little-noticed request to Congress half-way into his 97-minute speech:
“Too many state officials and members of Congress are making decisions without having access to the best available socialist . . . I mean scientific . . . research available. We have tolerated this situation for too long. We must act, and we must act now. Therefore, I call on Congress to approve my proposal to spend $62 million to create a national network of Legislative Advisory Forums (LAFs) to provide this information to needy elected officials everywhere.”
Heartland-Heritage Buys Sears Tower
Shortly after announcing the merger, Heartland-Heritage announced it has purchased the Sears Tower in Chicago for its new headquarters. The tower, at 1,468 feet and 110 stories, is among the tallest buildings in the world. It will be renamed “Joe’s Bar and Grill.”
“We needed a building large enough to accommodate the combined staffs of the two organizations and our expected growth,” said Bast, “and we wanted a name that conveyed a friendly atmosphere and respect for the small businesses that make America great.”
Asked if being outside Washington DC would hurt the new think tank’s credibility or access to decision-makers, Feulner laughed and said “being inside the beltway has destroyed many more reputations than it has polished.” In a more serious tone he went on to observe that “most of the good ideas come from outside the beltway, and Chicago is noted for its fine deep-dish pizza and micro-breweries.”
The Heritage Foundation’s current building in Washington DC will be torn down and the area covered with salt to prevent a left-wing organization from occupying the site.
God to Speak at Annual Benefit
For only the second time in two millennia, God has consented to speak directly to men, and Heartland-Heritage is pleased to report She has agreed to do so at our first annual benefit.
This extraordinary event will take place in October in the area east of downtown Chicago that is now covered by Lake Michigan. God has agreed to part the waters for the duration of the event, and will also hasten global warming in order to ensure temperatures will be in the mid-70s. (Light sweaters are recommended for those planning to spend the night.)
God will address the topic, “Why There Is No Beer in Heaven.”
“I suggested the topic,” said Bast, “because I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been puzzled by this oversight on God’s part.” Bast is referring, of course, to the popular song that contains this refrain:
In heaven, there is no beer.
That’s why we drink it here.
And when we’re gone from here,
Our friends will be drinking all the beer.
United Airlines, the official airline for the event, has agreed to cancel all other flights for a week prior to the event so its entire fleet of planes will be available to bring people to Chicago. For special discounted fares, call United at 1-800-555-4242 and say, “Take me to see God.”
Complimentary bread, fish, and wine will be served to all guests at the event. Beer and cigars, donated by Philip Morris, will also be available to guests 21 years of age and older. (Younger guests are invited to hang around the parking lot and have adults surreptitiously bring beer and cigars out to them.)
For more information about HAHA and its first annual benefit, please visit our Web site at www.heartland.org/haha.htm.
